Help me Understand
These three words can transform your world.
When was the last time you were in a conversation with someone, and completely disagreed with what they were saying? It may be difficult to communicate with others in a positive way for one of two reasons: relating to someone with a completely different paradigm than yourself, or making assumptions about the other person or situation.
A great place to experiment with these three words, are with your family. Perhaps your teenage or adult children are struggling with an issue you don’t understand. Perhaps you and your spouse are having a disagreement and you just don’t get it! I have found that in calmly using the words “help me understand” amazing things happen! The person I ask is happy to explain things. I have also learned that I need to listen to understand. My daughter use to say, “You are not listening to what I am saying.” “You’re hearing but not listening to my heart, my passion, my frustration” So when I intentionally listen without thinking about my own agenda, I often forget about my agenda. I think this is what people are looking for, to have people listen so intently that they see the other point of view. Instead of trying to think of what they will say next. No one wants to talk to a statue. I get so engrossed in listening to understand, that I often change my point of view. Why? I eventually see the whole picture, not just part of it.
Isn’t this really what all of us want? To be heard and listened to? To be understood?
How to listen to understand:
• Say the words “Help me understand”
• Relax
• Look at the person
• Turn off the T.V. Close your laptop, turn off the phone
• Hear what the person is not saying
• Watch their and your own body language: do they look defeated, frustrated, and angry?
• Keep listening even if you are tired of listening
• Don’t say a word until they are done
• When they are done, ask if there is anything else
After using these techniques I promise you will have a very different conversation.
Keep Listening!
