Raising Kids With Character

The Ability to Remain Loyal

In 1965 the Catholic philosopher, Dietrich von Hildebrand, wrote a book called The Art of Living which outlined seven “cardinal virtues” that are necessary to live a grounded life. In 1994 his wife, Alice von Hildebrand, added an eighth chapter bringing the total of cardinal virtues up to eight.

These virtues, although presented in a spiritual way, are good virtues and should our kids learn them will guide our children through life with confidence in a world in which assured security seems to be less and less probable. These are short summaries of the von Hildebrand’s wonderful chapters and don’t do them intellectual justice, however if applied, I know will change the lives of you and your children.

Virtue number 2: the ability to remain loyal

Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice. ~ Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924, 28th US President)

When I was 17 my parents decided to finally buy me a dog. We had had a dog but by that time he was an old battle axe of a guy; well loved, but well-worn too. Quite frankly we need some new canine energy on the farm.

We ended up getting a puppy from a friend, a cross between a Chesapeake Bay Retriever and some philandering mongrel. Chesapeake Bay Retrievers are beautiful dogs, with rusty brown fur that has just a few curls in the scruff; thankfully, Monty looked more like a retriever than the mongrel. They are also avid swimmers and actually have webbing between their toes. But as beautiful and nautically adept as they are, they are not exactly known for their intellectual savvy. In other words, Monty was dumb.

It isn’t nice to be known as a stupid breed of dog, in fact I still feel a little indignant on his behalf at the thought, however what Monty lacked in cognitive prowess, he more than made up for with loyalty. Before Monty came to the farm at about 9 weeks old he was already demonstrating his loyalty and would sit under the wheelchair of his paraplegic master which he left on the farm yard while working the fields.

Loyalty is another of those weirdly abused ideas these days. Virtually every coffee shop and gas station and credit card has some sort of loyalty awards program. Starbucks even offered a $200 sterling silver gift card during the recent winter holidays. It was pre-loaded with $50 to spend on coffee (that’s about 5 cups…) with the remaining $150 going to a silly card; and for what? Status!

“Look, I’m a loyal Starbucks customer.”

It’s almost immoral when you think about it.

So that’s loyalty for the rich (or at least those who want to appear rich), but there is also this terrible brand of loyalty among the poor offered in gangs. Clearly loyalty has some negative connotations and true loyalty, minimally demonstrated by my puppy’s perseverant loyalty, is almost lost today.

Solomon wrote that a “friend sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24), but where do you see this kind of loyalty today? We don’t see it in business! We see it with alarming infrequency in marriages! And it is rare to see it on the playground.

I am a foster dad and at least 10% of the kids in my youth group are kids in care or who were adopted so I get to see the difficulty that these kids from hard places. In particular, it is difficult for kids from hard places to know how to have healthy attachments – in other words they struggle with understanding appropriate loyalty. This especially prevalent in the foster care system because of the level of transiency between foster homes and the fact that by definition if a child is in care the person who should be the most loyal, namely their parents, has not been or cannot be loyal, whatever the reason.

If you want to raise healthy, secure children, it is paramount that they learn the value of appropriate loyalty, where they are loyal to those who deserve their loyalty and not loyal to those who wish to exploit them. But how can we teach loyalty to our children in an age where people who are loyal are looked on as weak – unless there is a reward attached – which I would argue is not true loyalty?

The first thing parents must do is demonstrate loyalty to their own children and families. You simply cannot expect a child to catch what isn’t present in your home. If your life has been marked by choosing lesser pursuits over a relationship with your kids, you can’t expect them to know how to be loyal. And if you haven’t been faithful to your spouse then you really have significant relational work to do.

I don’t want to discourage any parents, but the sad reality one of the reasons that the value of loyalty is so damaged in our kids is that we haven’t demonstrated loyalty to our spouses. (I know, there are many reasons that marriages fail, but that doesn’t diminish the simple fact that spouses that divorce will have to explain to their kids why it didn’t work out.)

Also consider whether you are a gossip or a flatterer, both with are the antithesis of loyalty. Gossip is disloyalty behind someone’s back and flattery is disloyalty to their face, where you say things to them that you wouldn’t say behind their backs! If your kids hear gossip or flattery in your home, then you need to confess that and work to correct that in yourself or you kids will not develop healthy loyalty.

Please hear me, this really is deadly. For a child who never experiences the loyalty of a parent, he or she might never be able to demonstrate loyalty to their children and spouse, on the other hand they may be so desperate for a loyal friend that they might take a cheap substitute. These are both tragic options.

Next aside from those already on the page (venerate your spouse, value your kids and refrain from gossip and flattery), one of the best ways I can think of to build the value of loyalty would be to make great family memories with your children. My wife and I often talk about how our fondest family memories are of road trips – even when there are also memories of profound boredom and fights with our siblings along the way.

Giving responsibility is also a great way to create loyalty. If your child feels like they can and are expected to contribute to the health of their home, they will have a sense of pride and that will grow loyalty. Talking about loyalty in terms they understand will also help them. For example, sports teams. There is a responsibility on a team to show up, contribute, work at home and share both victories and defeat.

The stakes are high! Loyalty among people, families, businesses, teams and the like are one thing, but loyalty to Truth, to faith, to God, this is where if we don’t instill there may be consequences that extend beyond this life.