Raising Kids With Character

The ability to be grateful

In 1965 the Catholic philosopher, Dietrich von Hildebrand, wrote a book called The Art of Living which outlined seven cardinal virtues necessary to living a grounded life. In 1994 his wife, Alice von Hildebrand, added an eighth chapter bringing the total of cardinal virtues up to eight.

These virtues, although presented in a spiritual way, are good virtues that can guide our children through life with confidence in a world in which assured security seems to be less and less probable. These short summaries of the von Hildebrand’s wonderful chapters don’t do them intellectual justice, however if applied, I know will change the lives of you and your children.

Virtue number 7: The ability to be grateful

Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude. ~ A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

If wonder is the foundation of all virtues, then gratitude is the mother of all virtues. You may struggle and struggle to be able to get a child to act good or responsible but if you can get them to be grateful, the rest follows.

At summer camp, one of the first tactics we use in dealing with homesick campers is to ask them to tell us what they enjoyed about camp; it is a form of gratitude in action. By getting them to think of the good memories from the day you actually lift them out of their sadness. In fact, of all the strategies to help people with depression there is none as powerful as gratitude.

To get a kid to be grateful may be next to impossible at times, but if you can wrangle even three or four things every day they are thankful for, you will almost certainly see a gradual change take place in their heart.

But what is gratitude? Pure and true gratitude is the response to the goodness of another person. Gratitude is person-centred. So while we can be grateful for food, clothing, and shelter, when gratitude is directed at a person it is a tremendous force for good. Being grateful is not the same as being cheerful; there must be an object towards whom the gratitude is directed. When that object is a person you have the purest form of gratitude there is!

Occasionally when you are trying to get a really good handle on an attitude like gratitude, it is helpful to consider what the opposite of the attitude is. In this case, I believe the opposite attitude to gratitude is that scourge of society known as entitlement. I believe my generation grew up in the beginning birth pangs of the entitlement pandemic, but kids today are living in full-blown, rampant me-ism. It isn’t just that the world revolves around them, they believe the world actually owes them something, as if their very presence on planet earth should be rewarded.

I think as easily as this generation has been labelled as “millennials” they could have been branded negatively as the Entitlement Generation. But don’t hear me wrong, the epidemic of entitlement reaches beyond just the millennials – and it isn’t limited to the upper or middle class.

As foster parents, we interact with many people who come from very difficult places and I have a deep level of compassion for those who struggle in poverty. However, I have little sympathy for people who take advantage of their situation to manipulate others.

At one point we had to deal with a biological parent who let their kids literally destroy their clothing with stains and tears every time they had a visit. It was so discouraging. But the attitude was that because we are “paid” parents that the clothes were just paid for by Child and Family Services so it didn’t matter.

First of all, that is nonsense, we are not “paid” parents. We are parents, period. But the careless attitude toward “agency-paid’ items reflects a lack of gratitude. Sadly, it is an accurate reflection of our disposable culture.

It is critical that children understand there are basic entitlements that should be met in life, things that are necessities. (And that a cell phone is definitely not one of them!) In fact, there are shockingly few things a person actually needs. When we spoil our kids with excess we are enabling them, perpetuating their sense of entitlement, and crippling their ability to develop the virtue of gratitude.

I remember when one mom came to see me at church to ask if her son could move up from the children’s ministry to middle school ministry earlier than his peers because he was bored in Kidzland and very mature for his age.

This is a common phenomenon in church culture, and it happens virtually every year with the oldest kids in every ministry. And it’s good! I like it that kids anticipate change and moving into older ministries. I explained to this mother that we really couldn’t make an exception for her son because it would start an avalanche of requests. Still I suspected something more was going on, so I asked how often her son had attended the children’s programming.

“Well he has only gone once or twice but he was just bored so we didn’t make him go back.” She said.

I suggested they try it a few more times at least, but she wouldn’t relent so I finally had to firmly let her know we weren’t going to make any exceptions. She said they would simply have to find another church then. Find another church? Because I am asking her to wait three more months before her son moves up a grade? Yikes. It isn’t very attractive is it? And how is a child is even helped to think beyond entitlement with parents making threats like that?

This is an example how my wife and I think about parenting and material stuff; when choosing between buying a cell phone (and paying monthly contracts) for our kids and saving that money to take them on a family vacation, we prefer to take the family vacation. And here’s a shocker, so do our kids (at least after the initial sting of not getting a cell phone subsided.) Think about it, which do you think is more powerful: the gratitude of receiving a piece of technology that will need to be replaced in a few years anyways or the gratitude that comes in stepping up to the edge of the Grand Canyon together as a family?

Remember Palm Pilots? They were PDA’s, personal digital assistants, and I loved getting my first one, but within a few years I “needed” a new one, just like I “need” an upgrade iPhone every few years. The truth is I have had so many tech toys I can’t remember them all, but I can remember all the family vacations I’ve taken my kids on and many from my own childhood. Invest your money (and time) into the experiences that will produce the greatest and most profound gratitude!

Now to be fair, I do love technology and I don’t have any major issues with saving up for something like a cell phone, but given the choice between stuff and time together, we choose time together every time! Gratitude is so powerful and needs to be harnessed for all it is worth!

I am seriously committed to gratitude. Even when I am helping kids who come from very, very dysfunctional homes with deeply wounded parents, I encourage them at all costs to find something, anything, they can be grateful for from their biological family. There is usually at least a small thing they can find, and it actually helps them heal from the pain. And they will need guidance to heal in this way because living a life of gratitude takes practice.

Gratitude, a grateful heart, is just simply the most powerful virtue. Teach your child to be grateful and you will see active transformation. This transformation won’t be possibly, however, unless parents learn to embody gratitude for themselves. Are you a grateful person?